Ask a Counsellor

Worries about a roommate’s eating

Questions: So I live in residence, and I’ve recently come to the knowledge that one of my roommates is refusing to eat and has certain stigma surrounding food. She needs to talk to a professional, but she refuses to. What do I do?

Response:

Thank you for your question.

It can be difficult to know what to do when you witness someone engaging in behaviors that may be harmful to themselves. Your caring and concern for your roommate is evident in your posting, as is your wanting to help. Eating difficulties and attitudes toward food can be complicated, and your roommate may not see the harm at this time. She may also be fearful of being judged or forced into eating. If she is avoiding eating to gain a sense of control and discipline, then having others take over can feel very threatening.  What you can do is to give her a clear message, through what you say and what you do, that you are concerned about her, you care about her, and you would support her in making a change if she chooses to do so. It is important that the message comes without judgment. You can also make suggestions and give information about resources with an opening such as this: “I’m worried about how little you eat and wonder if you are okay. I don’t want to make any wrong assumptions or tell you what to do, but if you like, I have some information about resources that you could access. May I share these with you?” Unless there is a concern about imminent risk to your roommate’s safety, which it doesn’t sound like there is, sharing information and offering compassionate support is the best you can do. For your own well-being it is helpful to remember that you are not responsible for her choices and that she is the only one who can change her behavior.

Here are some resources you might wish to share. Student Counselling Services is one option (on campus and free to students and you can check out our website with your friend if she is interested). For an off-campus service the Calgary Counselling Centre offers programs focused toward both balanced and healthy eating for those who struggle with the kinds of behaviours and attitudes you described. Finally, it is always important with eating difficulties to talk to a doctor, and she could begin this process by checking in with the Mental Health Nurse in MRU Health Services.

As I said, it can be difficult to witness someone engaging in harmful behaviors. We can feel powerless and overwhelmed. I encourage you to think of what you need in this situation and to remember that you can also go and talk to one of the counsellors at Student Counselling Services if you would like more information than we were able to give you here.