Ask a Counsellor

Do you think it’s possible to care too much for/about someone? If so, how do you care less?

Question: Do you think it’s possible to care too much for/about someone? If so, how do you care less?

Answer: I hope I’ve understood the question correctly, and will do my best to answer. I hope what I’ve written will apply to your circumstances.

At the outset, it is helpful to qualify what “care too much” might mean. Rather than a specific amount, any relationship requires just the right kind of care for each person to thrive. One measure of the right kind of care is that there is a shared understanding of the kind of relationship it is (friend, mentor, lover, professional, etc.) and that each person adheres to the boundaries suitable to that relationship and to each other’s preferences. When there isn’t that clarity or a shared understanding (for example, a friend wants to become a lover and that desired change is not reciprocated) things can get very messy emotionally.  One party feels they are not getting the care they would like, which in turn gives the feeling that they care too much. 

It seems strange to argue against caring for someone. However, there are circumstances where the actions that follow from that caring interfere with the well-being of both people. For the person wanting more it may feel challenging to respect the boundaries of the person they care about, and they may become overly focused on the other person at the expense of living their own life. The other person can feel smothered and disrespected, and doesn’t feel cared for at all. Neither person thrives. 

So that leads me to the second part of your question: How do you care less? It can be challenging to let go of the hopes, preferences, and imagined future that we have for a particular relationship. But truly caring can require the effort of honouring the other’s preference. One strategy people often try is not thinking about the other person or the relationship. Our brains are just not designed to make that possible and you can anticipate that you will have thoughts that might, over time, even feel intrusive. Here are some alternatives, and I encourage you to consider which are right for you:

-honour your sadness and expect a kind of grieving period where you will need to take care of yourself: treat yourself well for sleep, nutrition, movement; spend time with people with whom you have healthy relationships; choose to do things that make you feel good whether you do it alone or with others, invite friends to join you and avoid isolating yourself (even when that seems easiest).

-spend some time reconnecting with, or developing a sense of what is important to you. What is a meaningful life to you and what would you be doing tomorrow if you were living in line with those plans and values? Take small steps toward that each day.

-find a trusted person or a counsellor to talk through what happened, explore how you felt and what you thought, and use the experience to learn more about yourself.  You might discover you want to learn more about what constitutes a healthy relationship and what you personally hope for and need. If you need that listening ear late at night, you might try talking to a Distress Centre volunteer. 

-be kind to yourself when your mind keeps returning to the relationship. You might want to set some limited time (no more than half a page a day?…twenty minutes a week?…you need to decide) to write about your experience. I say limited because it will allow you to do the kind of thinking that moves you towards some understanding and acceptance, without getting stuck in a whirl of repeated thoughts. When you have given the amount of time for writing/thinking that you decided would be helpful, shift your attention to something that is engaging and meaningful to you. When relationship thoughts interfere, notice them and remind yourself you’ll write about it later (or talk about it to a friend or counsellor) when you choose, and then shift your attention again to other things important to you until you are back at your scheduled writing time. If this sounds simple, it is not. You will need to take a compassionate do-and-repeat approach toward yourself. 

-after giving yourself some time, decide if you can be in the relationship under the terms the other person has set. It may be in your best interest to break off contact if you find that the kind of caring you want to give won’t be accepted. Staying in the relationship could interfere with you developing a new and more mutually caring relationship.

I hope this has come close to speaking to your concern. Thanks for sharing your question. Odds are, it will be of interest to many Ask a Counsellor readers.

Sincerely,

Mirjam Knapik, Ph.D., R. Psych.