Ask a Counsellor

Feeling hurt and wishing for an apology after a break up

Question:

How do you cope with sadness and grief over the loss of a friendship or partnership when the other person is still alive but they want nothing to do with you? How do you cope with this when the other person has clearly left you hurt for a very long time and they never once apologized? How do you get over this when an apology would be healing but for whatever reason you don’t think the person will ever give you the sincere apology you need and deserve? How do you give up hope that this person will ever want to reconnect?

Response:

I’m sorry for your loss. Losing a friend or partner is difficult even when the parting is mutual. When one partner seems to feel the loss more deeply than the other, or when past hurts are not soothed or acknowledged, the emotional pain can be that much more difficult to bear. But healing is possible, and that is what your questions seem to focus on. 

There is often no skipping the grief that losses can bring, and new connections take time to build. So here are some ideas for healing from the loss over time.

Although it seems to make sense to heal from a break-up with the person we used to be connected with, this is often very challenging and sometimes counterproductive to healing from the loss. Each person in the relationship often needs time on their own to sort through things and gain perspective as an individual, not as part of a couple. Working it through with an ex may be possible in some instances. However, trying to do this can also perpetuate the very beliefs and patterns that led to the break up, or create further hurt as each person keeps looking for what the other can not give. 

Your wish for an apology makes sense in that we often imagine the apology will allow us to  forgive, accept, and let go.  However, an apology is not necessary to forgive and let go. Forgiveness is not saying what the other person did was okay, but it can be something you build within yourself over time. Many books have been written on this subject so here is a link to an article that might help you to know if more reading on that topic would be helpful. 

Healing from a loss takes energy. So treat yourself as you would your best friend who just experienced a painful loss. You know yourself best, so what is something you could do everyday that would be an act of self care?

Your post expresses well how painful it is for us to lose a friend or partner. In addition, I wonder if you have also noticed that it leads to discovery about ourselves, what we value, what made us brave enough to express our love, or what we are looking for in a partner. We may also become more clear about the people and activities worthy of our energy and attention. 

Talking with someone about the loss may also help the reflection and discovery process, and help you to understand what would help with your healing. This could be a trusted friend, a wise person in your life, or a counsellor. 

I hope some of these things have resonated with you. I will end by saying that your post led me to think about my own life and the vulnerability I have needed to accept when I wanted to become connected to someone. So I invite you, despite your pain, to celebrate that you had the courage to be vulnerable and love as you did.

Wishing you all the best,

Mirjam Knapik, Ph.D., R. Psych.