I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone this, but I’m a fabulous liar. I lie every day, and have been lying to everyone who knows me best, including myself, since I can remember taking those tenuous first steps in transitioning from immaturity to young-adulthood. And not to brag or anything, but I’m fantastically good at lying. Ignore those stupid little lies we tell each other everyday about that thing that happened to us on the way to some place over there and Oh. My. God! I saved a baby! and blah blah blah. No. The sort of lie that I’m talking about is so perfect, so grandiose, that I somehow manage to trick me, the liar, into believing it every morning.
What I’m talking about here, my gullible, oh so gullible audience, is the great whale-of-a-tale regarding my confidence. I’ve had compliments paid to me about how sure I am of myself. I’ve also had people call me vain, as in, “Dude! You’re so frickin’ vain!” If only you knew, you believers and non-believers, about how little confidence I truly have in myself. I try to never let it show, but the truth of the matter is that I doubt myself constantly and in almost everything that I do. You might say, “That’s so stupid!” Granted, it is, but that does not change the fact that I live in perpetual fear of failure, of coming in second best, which surprisingly happens more often than not (false vanity, I assure you).
My confession serves a purpose. It does, I swear. You can believe me. My lies are by no means a product of ill will. I love you all, my friends, and you can trust me when I say that my lies are what push me to do things bigger and better than anyone could ever expect of me, including myself. Why did I stay in Japan after the earthquake? My answer was: Why wouldn’t I? Why enroll in the honours program at the same time as the co-op program (when it existed)? My answer: Because I can. Why do anything that I do? My answer: Because I’m awesome! (LIES)
Ahhhh. This feels good. Finally it’s off my chest. Pressure gone, but not really. There is a serious consequence to telling such a horribly effective lie, this, to use a term I legitimately hate, self-affirmation: When you come to believe that you are seriously great, and the best, and better at everything than everybody else, it is easy to fall to the pressure that begins to build. So here is a warning: Believe you are the best, because you are, but always remember that it’s okay to fall every once in a while, and that failing doesn’t make you weak. You can get past it, because you’re awesome.
Yours in life and love,