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Finding true love for Valentine’s

Question: As the months get closer and closer to February, I’m saddened at the thought of being alone on Valentines Day. What can someone do to increase their chances of finding true love?

Thanks for submitting this question…especially since it is so far in advance of Valentines Day. My first thoughts were more social commentary oriented. I’ll share these, because I think they speak to your dilemma. But then I’ll try to give a proper answer to the question that I think you are asking.
It seems to me that Valentines Day, construed by society through stories, media images, and business interests, as a day of celebrating true love in the form of a couple relationship, really constricts the potential of what we could celebrate that day.
Although we use the description liberally, and imply it in the stories we tell, what do we mean by “true” love? If we don’t have a clear answer to that, how would we recognize it when we find it? If we do have a clear answer, then outlining how we would recognize it would still be important. Is it something that happens to us (the romantics would name it more like something that overcomes us) or is it a choice we make? What are our expectations of relationships, which we identify as based on “true love,” over time? If loving is a choice, then how do we sustain that love over time? If our experience of love is outside of current social norms or our faith community’s expectations, how does that impact our capacity to choose and live well?

Okay, I’m done with my bit of ranting and philosophizing. However, you can see that any answer about love has to be done with some initial reflection about the challenge of speaking about true love as a singular and obvious thing.

I think, though, that you are asking about how to find someone for whom you feel a deep affection, who shares values central to your identity, with whom you might be able to share your life, with whom you could be the best version of yourself, and who would offer you the same in return. Perhaps you are also asking how you do that in a social context where we judge people with a swipe to the left or right (making judgments about someone’s potential with a mere first glance), where we engage with others through mediums that invite social comparison and self-judgment (e.g., Facebook), and, some would say, where the skills of social interaction have been compromised by a tendency to connect via text. Did that come a bit closer to your question?

I propose that increasing your chances of finding a partner are increased by several conditions that counter the trends named above:
Put yourself in social situations where you increase the chance of finding someone who shares your values (volunteer, engage your classmates in conversation), say yes to possibly new experiences (study abroad, try a different-than-usual part-time job, study with a group), connect with those who share your talents, interests, and passions (join an MRU club, check out Calgary Meetups).

Notice and interrupt social comparison and self-judgment. Begin to talk to yourself as if you were your own best friend. Choose a lifestyle that supports your well-being. Surround yourself with people who don’t judge you. Spend time reflecting on what is important to you and develop your understanding of what constitutes a healthy relationship with yourself and others.

Avoid making snap judgments about others. Although initial attraction impacts all of us, be curious about people and don’t evaluate everyone through the lens of a potential partner. Deepen friendships slowly over time rather than rushing in on the first waves of attraction (which can be pretty powerful).

Put yourself in situations where you can practice being with people face-to-face. Resist any invitation to resolve conflict via text, be cautious about creating intimacy via online interactions, get help if you experience anxiety when you are in social situations.

I suspect that if you begin with these things, that you will be able to throw a great Valentine’s party in February, where, rather than feel sad, you can invite a variety of people who mean something to you, celebrate the love you have for the people in your life, and feel hopeful (if you are so inclined) of finding a partner in time.
Hope that gives you some ideas of where to begin.
All the best,
Mirjam

Already involved and still feel lonely

Question: If someone is already involved as a volunteer and has some minimal interactions with others before/during/after classes but still feels very lonely, what would you recommend to help them feel less lonely?
It sounds like you have already taken some steps to feel more engaged with other people who might share the same values and interests. If you are volunteering on campus, it is a great way to begin making connections, and these can bring more opportunities to connect, and so on (and I thank you for volunteering!). Often, focusing on activities and interests that are enjoyable (hobbies, sports, your studies, etc.) can lead to an increase in positive thoughts and feelings. Hopefully your volunteering is enjoyable.
But being with people does not always address loneliness. Sometimes feelings are complex and loneliness can include shades of sadness, and depressed emotional states interfere with feeling connected with ourselves and others.  As well, when we experience intense emotions, such as grief, we can feel alone with our suffering. Loneliness can also emerge when we are fearful of sharing the kinds of things about ourselves that could lead to deeper and more meaningful connections that can dispel loneliness.
Although the complexity of a feeling such as loneliness makes it difficult give specific advice, I hope the examples above help you to consider what might be getting in the way of feeling connected so that you can address these barriers. As well, you already identify some possible room for change when you describe minimal interactions with others before/during/after classes. Are there opportunities there for feeling more connected by creating study groups? Time spent supporting each other to learn, and then chatting over a coffee break, might help to better know others and be more known by others.
I hope this is helpful. As always, you are free to come into counselling to talk more about your specific experiences and ways of addressing your concerns.
All the best,
Mirjam