Ask a Counsellor

Grieving the loss of a relationship

Do you have any advice for grieving someone who is still alive, but who doesn’t want to have contact anymore?

Grief after a loss can come over us in waves that often crash over us at unexpected times. Although the experience of grief is often recognizable by those who have experienced a loss, the process of healing from the loss can look very different from person to person and between different situations.

First, I’m  sorry for the loss  of the relationship. You describe your experience as grief, so I suspect you can confirm what I have said above about grieving. The process of healing is often called mourning to distinguish it from the experience of sadness that can come out of the blue. Mourning is a more purposeful process of healing from a loss, and I think you are asking about what strategies you might be able to use for that healing process.

When people come to grief counselling, the process of finding what will be helpful for healing comes out of a collaborative exploration. Since this is more of a one-way conversation, I will share some ideas. However, I offer them with the thought that you are the one who will know which of these might be helpful. What is actually helpful will truly be known only once you have tried some of these strategies.

As always, MRU students are welcome to attend at counselling (U216) and book an appointment or use the Walk-In Blocks of time offered every afternoon.

  1. Healing, physical or emotional, takes energy. What are you doing to take care of yourself? What energizes you and how can you do more of that?
  2. Acknowledge what you are grieving. Sometimes it is not only the person, but the ‘hoped for future’ that adds to your grief. Journaling about this might be one way to acknowledge what you are grieving.
  3. Explore what healing might look like for you:
    • What have you learned about yourself in this relationship that will never be lost to you? What has it taught you about what is important to you?
    • What will be ongoing in your life: what activities that give you pleasure will you continue to engage in? What hopes for your life do you continue to hold? What do you value that is still the case and how can you live out those values even more strongly?
    • How have you healed from other losses? What might you be able to repeat from that in this situation?
    • What ceremonies might you create that mark both the ending and the new beginning. You might write a eulogy that honours what was good and what you appreciated about the relationship, one that also says goodbye (perhaps wishes the person well wherever they go), and that also honours the way your life will go on and that your happiness can not be taken away by one person no longer being in your life.

Engaging more purposefully in saying goodbye to the relationship and marking a new path for yourself, may help you to heal from the loss. Over time it may also make it easier to manage moments when the sadness hits you or if you bump into the person. At these times, try to acknowledge the grief for what it is: a sign that you can love and have lost something of value. Allow yourself some time to feel the feelings and then shift your focus to the kinds of things you do that matter to you: caring for yourself, being with those who are significant to you, pursuing your goals for your life and career, living out your values. Those who have gone through grief say that a balance between being with the grief for a time, and then going back into ‘doing’ mode, is often a helpful.

I hope some of these thoughts give you some ideas about what you can do. All the best,

Mirjam Knapik, Ph.D., R. Psych.