Ask a Counsellor

Feeling hurt and wishing for an apology after a break up

Question:

How do you cope with sadness and grief over the loss of a friendship or partnership when the other person is still alive but they want nothing to do with you? How do you cope with this when the other person has clearly left you hurt for a very long time and they never once apologized? How do you get over this when an apology would be healing but for whatever reason you don’t think the person will ever give you the sincere apology you need and deserve? How do you give up hope that this person will ever want to reconnect?

Response:

I’m sorry for your loss. Losing a friend or partner is difficult even when the parting is mutual. When one partner seems to feel the loss more deeply than the other, or when past hurts are not soothed or acknowledged, the emotional pain can be that much more difficult to bear. But healing is possible, and that is what your questions seem to focus on. 

There is often no skipping the grief that losses can bring, and new connections take time to build. So here are some ideas for healing from the loss over time.

Although it seems to make sense to heal from a break-up with the person we used to be connected with, this is often very challenging and sometimes counterproductive to healing from the loss. Each person in the relationship often needs time on their own to sort through things and gain perspective as an individual, not as part of a couple. Working it through with an ex may be possible in some instances. However, trying to do this can also perpetuate the very beliefs and patterns that led to the break up, or create further hurt as each person keeps looking for what the other can not give. 

Your wish for an apology makes sense in that we often imagine the apology will allow us to  forgive, accept, and let go.  However, an apology is not necessary to forgive and let go. Forgiveness is not saying what the other person did was okay, but it can be something you build within yourself over time. Many books have been written on this subject so here is a link to an article that might help you to know if more reading on that topic would be helpful. 

Healing from a loss takes energy. So treat yourself as you would your best friend who just experienced a painful loss. You know yourself best, so what is something you could do everyday that would be an act of self care?

Your post expresses well how painful it is for us to lose a friend or partner. In addition, I wonder if you have also noticed that it leads to discovery about ourselves, what we value, what made us brave enough to express our love, or what we are looking for in a partner. We may also become more clear about the people and activities worthy of our energy and attention. 

Talking with someone about the loss may also help the reflection and discovery process, and help you to understand what would help with your healing. This could be a trusted friend, a wise person in your life, or a counsellor. 

I hope some of these things have resonated with you. I will end by saying that your post led me to think about my own life and the vulnerability I have needed to accept when I wanted to become connected to someone. So I invite you, despite your pain, to celebrate that you had the courage to be vulnerable and love as you did.

Wishing you all the best,

Mirjam Knapik, Ph.D., R. Psych.

 

Grieving the loss of a relationship

Do you have any advice for grieving someone who is still alive, but who doesn’t want to have contact anymore?

Grief after a loss can come over us in waves that often crash over us at unexpected times. Although the experience of grief is often recognizable by those who have experienced a loss, the process of healing from the loss can look very different from person to person and between different situations.

First, I’m  sorry for the loss  of the relationship. You describe your experience as grief, so I suspect you can confirm what I have said above about grieving. The process of healing is often called mourning to distinguish it from the experience of sadness that can come out of the blue. Mourning is a more purposeful process of healing from a loss, and I think you are asking about what strategies you might be able to use for that healing process.

When people come to grief counselling, the process of finding what will be helpful for healing comes out of a collaborative exploration. Since this is more of a one-way conversation, I will share some ideas. However, I offer them with the thought that you are the one who will know which of these might be helpful. What is actually helpful will truly be known only once you have tried some of these strategies.

As always, MRU students are welcome to attend at counselling (U216) and book an appointment or use the Walk-In Blocks of time offered every afternoon.

  1. Healing, physical or emotional, takes energy. What are you doing to take care of yourself? What energizes you and how can you do more of that?
  2. Acknowledge what you are grieving. Sometimes it is not only the person, but the ‘hoped for future’ that adds to your grief. Journaling about this might be one way to acknowledge what you are grieving.
  3. Explore what healing might look like for you:
    • What have you learned about yourself in this relationship that will never be lost to you? What has it taught you about what is important to you?
    • What will be ongoing in your life: what activities that give you pleasure will you continue to engage in? What hopes for your life do you continue to hold? What do you value that is still the case and how can you live out those values even more strongly?
    • How have you healed from other losses? What might you be able to repeat from that in this situation?
    • What ceremonies might you create that mark both the ending and the new beginning. You might write a eulogy that honours what was good and what you appreciated about the relationship, one that also says goodbye (perhaps wishes the person well wherever they go), and that also honours the way your life will go on and that your happiness can not be taken away by one person no longer being in your life.

Engaging more purposefully in saying goodbye to the relationship and marking a new path for yourself, may help you to heal from the loss. Over time it may also make it easier to manage moments when the sadness hits you or if you bump into the person. At these times, try to acknowledge the grief for what it is: a sign that you can love and have lost something of value. Allow yourself some time to feel the feelings and then shift your focus to the kinds of things you do that matter to you: caring for yourself, being with those who are significant to you, pursuing your goals for your life and career, living out your values. Those who have gone through grief say that a balance between being with the grief for a time, and then going back into ‘doing’ mode, is often a helpful.

I hope some of these thoughts give you some ideas about what you can do. All the best,

Mirjam Knapik, Ph.D., R. Psych.

Finding Valentines Day Events for Singles

Post: It’s almost Valentine’s Day, and I’m single and feeling extremely sad and very lonely.  I’ve only been able to find one event to meet other singles on Valentine’s Day, which awkwardly happens to be in a lingerie shop.  

What other events are happening in Calgary for singles to meet other singles?  I don’t want to be alone anymore.  It feels like a couple-dominated world, and all the couples events seem really cool and fun, but I don’t have a partner to go with.  Sigh…

Response:
Valentines Day can be a rather difficult, or potentially an even painful time, for many people who are not currently in a romantic relationship with anyone. One of the challenges is the bombardment of advertisements for events, experiences and ideas that seemingly only couples can do on that day. There is often also a rise in social media of posts and “snaps” from people within our social networks and popular media, celebrating couple-hood. It is almost impossible to escape from it! What that can is an increased sense of isolation and loneliness, a sense of being excluded from something that might be perceived as exclusive, and a hypersensitivity to anything regarding relationship status.
In a city of 1.24 million people, I can certainly understand feeling sad and lonely when you can’t find an event to attend in Calgary that is for people not in a relationship. It seems to make intuitive sense that there should be events specifically designed to connect people…perhaps celebrating good friendships, loving family relationships, and new possible friendships or romance. To respond to your post, I am curious if it would be interesting to expand on what you might be searching for on that specific day, the coming weekend, as well as how to continue to move forward in your life as a currently single person.
Firstly, coming from a sex-positive perspective, it might end up being a fun, enjoyable and informative evening at the event at the lingerie shop! Sometimes it’s exciting to take a deep breath and do something just slightly outside your comfort zone for an event geared to meeting people and go in with openness and curiosity. I also appreciate that it might be a bit awkward, so if you are wanting to get out to an event that night, you might want to search for events that are not just specifically marketed for “singles meeting singles”. Calgary Meetups has some groups geared towards people who are single or those who are interested in meeting different people around shared interests. We did a quick search of meetups and found a games and mingling option. As well, Avenue Magazine Calgary, provides six options for Valentines Day. Finally, your Students Association has three events posted on Valentines that provide opportunities to meet others. Another possible strategy is to focus and partake in activities or events in which you are genuinely interested, as this just raises the likelihood that you meet people you will connect with. So perhaps these are some interesting options worth trying.
Those suggestions are not intended to take away from how challenging it can be to meet new people within our current networks or to join pre-existing groups within Calgary.
Romantic love and connection may often take a longer time to both find and develop. To make it through Valentines Day specifically, you might want to choose to make it about celebrating, appreciating and acknowledging the various people that you do have in your life or, importantly, yourself. This might include reaching out to friends, family, co-workers who might also be struggling through this day and creating a day or night to really highlight your own interests, values, and connection to each other. Although it might seem that many events are geared specifically towards couples, they are often in no way actually limited to couples. So, why not just go, appreciate and enjoy the event or activity for itself with one of these people already in your network? You might decide to take February 14 as a day or night to do those things that you have wanted to do, and for which you have not made time.
In considering moving forward and finding love, please take a read on a previous blog post: Finding true love for Valentine’s
Sincerely,
Danni Lei, R. Psych. and Mirjam Knapik, R. Psych.

Finding true love for Valentine’s

Question: As the months get closer and closer to February, I’m saddened at the thought of being alone on Valentines Day. What can someone do to increase their chances of finding true love?

Thanks for submitting this question…especially since it is so far in advance of Valentines Day. My first thoughts were more social commentary oriented. I’ll share these, because I think they speak to your dilemma. But then I’ll try to give a proper answer to the question that I think you are asking.
It seems to me that Valentines Day, construed by society through stories, media images, and business interests, as a day of celebrating true love in the form of a couple relationship, really constricts the potential of what we could celebrate that day.
Although we use the description liberally, and imply it in the stories we tell, what do we mean by “true” love? If we don’t have a clear answer to that, how would we recognize it when we find it? If we do have a clear answer, then outlining how we would recognize it would still be important. Is it something that happens to us (the romantics would name it more like something that overcomes us) or is it a choice we make? What are our expectations of relationships, which we identify as based on “true love,” over time? If loving is a choice, then how do we sustain that love over time? If our experience of love is outside of current social norms or our faith community’s expectations, how does that impact our capacity to choose and live well?

Okay, I’m done with my bit of ranting and philosophizing. However, you can see that any answer about love has to be done with some initial reflection about the challenge of speaking about true love as a singular and obvious thing.

I think, though, that you are asking about how to find someone for whom you feel a deep affection, who shares values central to your identity, with whom you might be able to share your life, with whom you could be the best version of yourself, and who would offer you the same in return. Perhaps you are also asking how you do that in a social context where we judge people with a swipe to the left or right (making judgments about someone’s potential with a mere first glance), where we engage with others through mediums that invite social comparison and self-judgment (e.g., Facebook), and, some would say, where the skills of social interaction have been compromised by a tendency to connect via text. Did that come a bit closer to your question?

I propose that increasing your chances of finding a partner are increased by several conditions that counter the trends named above:
Put yourself in social situations where you increase the chance of finding someone who shares your values (volunteer, engage your classmates in conversation), say yes to possibly new experiences (study abroad, try a different-than-usual part-time job, study with a group), connect with those who share your talents, interests, and passions (join an MRU club, check out Calgary Meetups).

Notice and interrupt social comparison and self-judgment. Begin to talk to yourself as if you were your own best friend. Choose a lifestyle that supports your well-being. Surround yourself with people who don’t judge you. Spend time reflecting on what is important to you and develop your understanding of what constitutes a healthy relationship with yourself and others.

Avoid making snap judgments about others. Although initial attraction impacts all of us, be curious about people and don’t evaluate everyone through the lens of a potential partner. Deepen friendships slowly over time rather than rushing in on the first waves of attraction (which can be pretty powerful).

Put yourself in situations where you can practice being with people face-to-face. Resist any invitation to resolve conflict via text, be cautious about creating intimacy via online interactions, get help if you experience anxiety when you are in social situations.

I suspect that if you begin with these things, that you will be able to throw a great Valentine’s party in February, where, rather than feel sad, you can invite a variety of people who mean something to you, celebrate the love you have for the people in your life, and feel hopeful (if you are so inclined) of finding a partner in time.
Hope that gives you some ideas of where to begin.
All the best,
Mirjam

Already involved and still feel lonely

Question: If someone is already involved as a volunteer and has some minimal interactions with others before/during/after classes but still feels very lonely, what would you recommend to help them feel less lonely?
It sounds like you have already taken some steps to feel more engaged with other people who might share the same values and interests. If you are volunteering on campus, it is a great way to begin making connections, and these can bring more opportunities to connect, and so on (and I thank you for volunteering!). Often, focusing on activities and interests that are enjoyable (hobbies, sports, your studies, etc.) can lead to an increase in positive thoughts and feelings. Hopefully your volunteering is enjoyable.
But being with people does not always address loneliness. Sometimes feelings are complex and loneliness can include shades of sadness, and depressed emotional states interfere with feeling connected with ourselves and others.  As well, when we experience intense emotions, such as grief, we can feel alone with our suffering. Loneliness can also emerge when we are fearful of sharing the kinds of things about ourselves that could lead to deeper and more meaningful connections that can dispel loneliness.
Although the complexity of a feeling such as loneliness makes it difficult give specific advice, I hope the examples above help you to consider what might be getting in the way of feeling connected so that you can address these barriers. As well, you already identify some possible room for change when you describe minimal interactions with others before/during/after classes. Are there opportunities there for feeling more connected by creating study groups? Time spent supporting each other to learn, and then chatting over a coffee break, might help to better know others and be more known by others.
I hope this is helpful. As always, you are free to come into counselling to talk more about your specific experiences and ways of addressing your concerns.
All the best,
Mirjam

Is there couples counselling if only one partner is a student?

Do you offer relationship counselling if only one partner is a student?

There is a quick and short answer to your question: yes.

As long as one of you is a student, we can offer you and your partner couples counselling. Sometimes a couple finds it helpful to  engage in personal counselling as well. In that case, the student can access an individual counsellor and we would give the non-student partner information about accessing counselling in the community.

We currently have three counsellors who offer couples counselling, and when you call our front desk they can help you schedule an appointment with one of these counsellors.

I will also share that Student Counselling Services offers a workshop using the Myers Briggs Type Inventory. Although helpful to improve any type of relationship, couples have often find it helpful. You can check it out at our workshops, groups and volunteer opportunities page. When we get about 8 people who are interested, we will work with all you to find a time that works. So if you are interested,  just put your name on the list. Your partner would be welcome to attend with you.

Here is the description. MBTI for Relationships: Learn to understand your communication, decision-making and processing styles to improve your relationships.

All the best,

Mirjam Knapik, Ph.D., Registered Psychologist

Worries about a roommate’s eating

Questions: So I live in residence, and I’ve recently come to the knowledge that one of my roommates is refusing to eat and has certain stigma surrounding food. She needs to talk to a professional, but she refuses to. What do I do?

Response:

Thank you for your question.

It can be difficult to know what to do when you witness someone engaging in behaviors that may be harmful to themselves. Your caring and concern for your roommate is evident in your posting, as is your wanting to help. Eating difficulties and attitudes toward food can be complicated, and your roommate may not see the harm at this time. She may also be fearful of being judged or forced into eating. If she is avoiding eating to gain a sense of control and discipline, then having others take over can feel very threatening.  What you can do is to give her a clear message, through what you say and what you do, that you are concerned about her, you care about her, and you would support her in making a change if she chooses to do so. It is important that the message comes without judgment. You can also make suggestions and give information about resources with an opening such as this: “I’m worried about how little you eat and wonder if you are okay. I don’t want to make any wrong assumptions or tell you what to do, but if you like, I have some information about resources that you could access. May I share these with you?” Unless there is a concern about imminent risk to your roommate’s safety, which it doesn’t sound like there is, sharing information and offering compassionate support is the best you can do. For your own well-being it is helpful to remember that you are not responsible for her choices and that she is the only one who can change her behavior.

Here are some resources you might wish to share. Student Counselling Services is one option (on campus and free to students and you can check out our website with your friend if she is interested). For an off-campus service the Calgary Counselling Centre offers programs focused toward both balanced and healthy eating for those who struggle with the kinds of behaviours and attitudes you described. Finally, it is always important with eating difficulties to talk to a doctor, and she could begin this process by checking in with the Mental Health Nurse in MRU Health Services.

As I said, it can be difficult to witness someone engaging in harmful behaviors. We can feel powerless and overwhelmed. I encourage you to think of what you need in this situation and to remember that you can also go and talk to one of the counsellors at Student Counselling Services if you would like more information than we were able to give you here.

Information about volunteering

Submission: Hi, I need to get in touch with MRU counseling to talk about volunteering.

Thanks for visiting the SCS website and our blog page. I suspect you already know that volunteering has become recognized as an important component of students’ time in post-secondary. It offers a chance to develop skills, personal qualities, and knowledge that is valued on applications for jobs and grad school. Not only that, it can be a meaningful, satisfying, and fun experience that helps students find their passion and life paths. Although your submission sounded like a personal request, the purpose of the Ask A Counsellor Blog is to share questions and answers with others. Since I’m sure others would benefit from this information, here it is on this website.

Student Counselling Services does not have volunteer positions at this time, but there are numerous opportunities on our campus. To review these, the best resource is the Career Services volunteering page http://www.mtroyal.ca/EmploymentCareers/CareerServices/Students/vol_experience.htm

There are opportunities to volunteer both locally and abroad, and there are additional links that give you more information about volunteerism.

I was going to include another local website, but see that more have sprung up since I last searched this topic. So I encourage you to search the terms “volunteer Calgary” and you will be able to see many more sites that attempt to link people to organizations looking for volunteers.

To get a more personal response or support, students can make appointments with counsellors by calling 403 440-6362 or by dropping in to see us Wellness Services (U216). For general queries, you can ask at our reception desk or you can email studentcounselling@mtroyal.ca.

I hope this helps not only you, but other readers.

All the best,

Mirjam Knapik, Ph.D., R. Psych.

MRU Student Counselling Services.

Cheating: Report or not?

Question: A student claimed an assignment worth 2.5% as his own, and I know it wasn’t his. He told me a few days before that he did not have a chance to do the assignment, and yet, he claimed someone else’s work as his own. After he claimed the paper and sat back down, I asked him if that was his since he told me he didn’t do it. He confessed to me that it wasn’t his but he didn’t want to lose marks for not doing the assignment. The question is, should I tell my prof that that assignment isn’t his? Or should I let it go because I have no proof?

Thank you for your question. It sounds like a tricky situation and a difficult decision regarding what to do next. As counsellors, we are famous (infamous maybe?) for not giving specific advice but instead encouraging people to consider as many options as possible and then choosing what is best for them. There is a variety of information we can consider when making a decision about what actions fit best for us including: what we THINK about the situation, what we FEEL about the options available to us, and the VALUES we hold that might guide the decisions we make. Here are some questions you can consider that could help you decide what to do:

First, what do you think/feel/value about plagiarism? Is it something that bothers you or something you think/feel/value needs to be addressed in some way? Would it make a difference if the assignment was worth 25% instead of 2.5%? I wonder how it might feel if this student gets a higher grade than you at the end of the semester?

Second, what do you think/feel/value about bringing this to your professor’s attention? I wonder how the decision to share this information with a professor or not might impact you. How might you think/feel to release information that might impact this student? What would you think/feel about keeping the information about the plagiarism to yourself? Would the impact on you change over the next few days or weeks? I also wonder if knowing about the plagiarism and sharing or not sharing might impact the relationship with this other student.

Third, I wonder how the decision to share this information with a professor or not might impact your class. I was not sure from your description whether the work belonged to another student in the class but if it did, I wonder what the impact might be on the person who did complete the assignment?

Finally, I wonder how the decision to share this information with a professor or not might impact this student. I wonder what you might think/feel/value about talking to the student directly about this issue and assessing how they would feel about coming clean themselves? Is it possible that the professor might figure out that this assignment was not written by the student in another way? Sometimes it can be difficult to make a decision if we are unsure what the impact would be. You can access information from the Mount Royal website about what would happen if a professor became aware of plagiarism: http://www.mtroyal.ca/CampusServices/CampusResources/StudentConduct/TipsforStudents/

I invite you to use the information from your answers to the above questions to create a pros and cons list of reporting the plagiarism or not reporting it. It might feel like a clear decision after looking at the list or you might feel like you’re trying to pick the “best of the worst” option. Either way, you may feel like you have spent time exploring the options and made an informed decision.

If you’re still feeling stuck, feel free to attend a session with one of our counsellors to explore this situation in more detail.

Take care,

Jennifer McCormick, M.Sc., R.Psych.

I want to leave my abusive relationship

I want to leave my abusive relationship, it’s not physical but more so of an emotional/mental abuse case. The relationship has been a secret due to his manipulation for some time now and I’ve made the mistake of becoming dependant on him so if I leave I’m left with nothing. I’m aware that I should probably just tell friends and family about my situation and they’re supposed to help me but I really don’t want that either. Are there other options? I’m tough but the relationship is really starting to destroy me and I can’t keep it up until I’m done school and can finally start supporting myself. I’m ready to leave, I just need suggestions how so I’m not left with nothing. Thanks

Hello and thanks for your question. When people come to counselling for this kind of situation, my wish is that they don’t spend another moment in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship. Realistically, there are often things a person wishes to consider and talk through to sort out the best way to leave the relationship. I hesitate to say anything specific without knowing more about your situation, but do have a suggestion and some resources.

What I hear from your question is that you are very clear that this relationship is harming you,and  that you are aware of how the person abusing you has managed to isolate you and make you feel dependent. There are many reasons why people in your situation do not want to tell friends and family about the situation, and I don’t want to make any assumptions about your reasoning for this. However, as you pointed out, secrecy and manipulation have resulted in exactly the thing the abuser intends: you feeling dependent and like you can’t seek support from those who might be able to provide it. At some point it may be very important to reach out and develop a support system as you make a plan to leave the relationship. So that is one suggestion

I’m curious about what you meant about being left with nothing. If this is financial, you may wish to consult others who can speak to your rights about this and how to best protect yourself financially. The Government of Alberta has a website that includes information about family violence and abusive relationships and it lists many resources. There are links on such topics as knowing your rights, financial support for those fleeing an abusive relationship, and you can call 24/7 or use a chat online as well. It is often important to know the specific of your situation for making helpful suggestions. Of course there is free counselling at MRU for students, and this is also be a good place to talk in more detail about your next steps.

I wish you all the best with your plans to leave this abusive relationship.

Mirjam

Mirjam Knapik, Ph.D., R. Psych.

MRU Student Counselling Services