Ask a Counsellor

I want to leave my abusive relationship

I want to leave my abusive relationship, it’s not physical but more so of an emotional/mental abuse case. The relationship has been a secret due to his manipulation for some time now and I’ve made the mistake of becoming dependant on him so if I leave I’m left with nothing. I’m aware that I should probably just tell friends and family about my situation and they’re supposed to help me but I really don’t want that either. Are there other options? I’m tough but the relationship is really starting to destroy me and I can’t keep it up until I’m done school and can finally start supporting myself. I’m ready to leave, I just need suggestions how so I’m not left with nothing. Thanks

Hello and thanks for your question. When people come to counselling for this kind of situation, my wish is that they don’t spend another moment in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship. Realistically, there are often things a person wishes to consider and talk through to sort out the best way to leave the relationship. I hesitate to say anything specific without knowing more about your situation, but do have a suggestion and some resources.

What I hear from your question is that you are very clear that this relationship is harming you,and  that you are aware of how the person abusing you has managed to isolate you and make you feel dependent. There are many reasons why people in your situation do not want to tell friends and family about the situation, and I don’t want to make any assumptions about your reasoning for this. However, as you pointed out, secrecy and manipulation have resulted in exactly the thing the abuser intends: you feeling dependent and like you can’t seek support from those who might be able to provide it. At some point it may be very important to reach out and develop a support system as you make a plan to leave the relationship. So that is one suggestion

I’m curious about what you meant about being left with nothing. If this is financial, you may wish to consult others who can speak to your rights about this and how to best protect yourself financially. The Government of Alberta has a website that includes information about family violence and abusive relationships and it lists many resources. There are links on such topics as knowing your rights, financial support for those fleeing an abusive relationship, and you can call 24/7 or use a chat online as well. It is often important to know the specific of your situation for making helpful suggestions. Of course there is free counselling at MRU for students, and this is also be a good place to talk in more detail about your next steps.

I wish you all the best with your plans to leave this abusive relationship.

Mirjam

Mirjam Knapik, Ph.D., R. Psych.

MRU Student Counselling Services

Experienced a sexual assault, want counselling, concerned about confidentiality

I was raped when I was 15 years old. I was black-out drunk, and don’t know who my attacker was. I still feel the consequences to this day. It still affects me in my daily life. I know Mount Royal offers sexual abuse counselling services, but I’m wearing of using them because I’ve heard that they are required by law to report any accounts of rape to the law. I know that 5 years later having to deal with the police would do a lot more harm than good, especially considering I don’t even know the man who did it.
Would it be possible to get the help I need without the police being involved?

Hello and thank- you for your message.

I am so sorry you were assaulted and that you have been carrying this trauma for five years. The counsellors at MRU Student Counselling Services offer confidential counselling services to students. As you note, you can also access a counsellor from Calgary Communities Against Sexual Abuse in our area. This person has specialized knowledge about counselling those who have experienced sexual assault and abuse. From your message I understand that you have concerns about the limits of confidentiality, so I hope the following information answers your question:

When a student meets with a counsellor for the first time, the first thing that is discussed is what confidentiality means and what the limits of confidentiality are. This is done before any confidential information is obtained from the student by the counsellor. Counsellor’s conduct in terms of confidentiality is not only governed by professional ethics but also by law.

Confidentiality means the information you share cannot be released without your consent, with the exception of three conditions.  I’ll share about the exceptions and then explain the process of you giving consent. First, breaking confidentiality in the counselling relationship is generally about safety.  If the student is at risk of significantly hurting him or herself or others, then the counsellor has a duty to release information for the purpose of keeping people safe from harm.  This may take the form of working with the student to figure out who else needs to be brought in to keep them safe. Second, if a counsellors learns about abuse of a minor (someone 17 years old or younger who is currently at risk of, or is being, abused), it is the law that they have to report this. Sometimes people interpret this as having to report an adult’s past abuse when they were a minor. But this is not the case. Finally, there is the rare circumstance when a judge can subpoena’s a counsellor to give evidence in a court case.

Under normal circumstances any information obtained from students in a counselling session is released to another party only after the student has given informed consent. This means the student agrees to the information being released, knows where or to whom the information is being sent, what information is being disclosed, and for what purpose. The pros and cons of releasing the information are discussed and there is an expiry date for the consent.

From what you have said in your message there do not appear to be any grounds that would necessitate a counsellor reporting the assault to the police – there is no ongoing or imminent risk of harm to yourself or to others.

I encourage you to meet with a counsellor even if it is only to talk about your concerns about confidentiality. Your assault is something over which you had no control and it is important that you feel in charge, and are fully informed, about the process of counselling.

So kudos to you for taking the time to ask this question and perhaps helping someone else be less afraid to seek support.

All the best,

Ria Meronek

Counsellor

Wellness Services: Student Counselling