Hello,

Thanks for your question. I contemplated what you were asking, and realized I could make a lot of wrong assumptions. I had the urge to express my empathy for you having felt harmed in some way but realized you could also be observing a situation and just want to understand it better. In the absence of more specifics about the situation, I will offer my empathy and I will also presume your question is energized by curiosity for possible explanations. So I’ll begin by saying that many books have been written about apologies (and forgiveness). This tells me that even though it can look simple from one person’s perspective: I was harmed, you are responsible for the harm (or represent the person responsible), and you should acknowledge it and apologize. However, it can actually get quite complicated. 

Observing complications is often not very satisfying when we feel harm was done to us. We would just like the hurt to stop and our vision of justice to be realized. I hope that if you were wronged or harmed, that you have pursued the avenues in place for addressing such problems. If you want to review options for this, the Student Association of Mount Royal University provides advocacy support and they can help you consider the steps you can take. 

If you are interested in unpacking your question a little bit, please read on. These will be only some of the many possible contributions to absent apologies and may not explain your specific situation at all. They are possible factors that I offer it only as food for thought and not as excuses.

One possible explanation has to do with interpretation of events and notions of who is responsible for the harm. While being physically or verbally attacked can be clearly observed and evaluated as wrong behaviour, feeling harmed has subjective elements. So when one person feels very distressed by something and therefore psychologically or emotionally harmed in some way, that distress will be based in part on the meaning given to the experience. Diverse meanings and perceptions are possible for the parties involved. 

For example, when people claim some truth, and saying that distresses another person to the point they felt harmed, the speakers can express empathy for that person’s distress but they might still think it was okay to say what they did. Since they don’t perceive their actions to be wrong, there is no guilty action to apologize for. In fact, if an apology would be offered in this scenario it would be an empty one. If I let the door fall closed on someone, I can stop and say, “I’m so sorry, I did not see you!” It is pretty simple. But in other situations apologies can be complicated and may need to come out of longer processes to understand what actually went wrong and who is responsible.

An apology implies guilt for some action. So in leadership positions an apology can not be done lightly or in an empty way merely to smooth things over or even with the good intention of being kind. Since apologies imply wrong actions, there can be negative consequences for a leader’s reputation, for the organization they are leading, and perhaps the threat of possible legal consequences. As well, a community’s culture can complicate resolution through apologies. If we are part of a community where people are litigious, or shame each other (gossip, publicly defame, label each other as -phobic or -ist …pick your negative prefix) then resolution through apology may be more difficult. If a community has a healing, appreciation-of-difference, compassionate approach, an apology might feel less complicated. These are just possible contributions to what you are observing.

Where my interest lies is in the steps that lead to repairing a relationship. It sounds to me like your relationship with the leaders in question has been harmed in some way (e.g., loss of trust and respect). This is where our willingness to have difficult conversations is needed. The person accused of doing harm would helpfully be ready to hear the impact of actions on another, be able to express empathy and understanding of what led them to feel that way, have a chance to explain what is at stake for them and, if they recognize their actions as wrong, to offer a sincere apology. It is helpful for repairing a relationship when the person who felt harmed is ready to hear the intentions and assumptions and principles that guided the person to act as they did and, if an apology is appropriate and offered, to accept that apology.

The parties may still not agree on the rightness of the actions, the assumptions, principles, the values the other prioritized, and so on. The parties involved will not always immediate feel better. But a deeper understanding can pave the way for being able to move forward without the weight of unacknowledged hurt and accusations.

Those are my thoughts about your “why” question and I hope there are some nuggets worth pondering. 

Mirjam Knapik, Ph.D., R. Psych.