I am a 22 year old male who I struggling with his relationship. I have done things throughout the past and recently which has hurt the person I love the most and I have kept lies and secrets from her. She mean everything to me and I’m terrified that I’m going to lose her and I want to show her that I can change. I also have anger issues and it has caused me to give up drinking due to I could lose control. Please someone help me I can’t lose this girl and I need help on how to improve and become better with my relationship and be the partner she deserves.

Hello,

I’m so glad you wrote in. Your note contains important pieces to changing the difficulties with which you have been struggling. So I hope some of my reflections and information are helpful to you (and of course others who might recognize themselves in your description).

I’m going to extend what you are saying into some psychology speak and say that you want to be able to create a healthy, loving relationship with the person who means the most to you. You have already acknowledged that drinking leads to feeling angry and I gather the anger leads to you saying and/or doing things that harm others in some way. So change for you means no more lies, no more hiding the truth, no more drinking, and no more reacting out of anger. You also make the point that you not only want to stop some behaviours, but that you want to start others. That is, improve your ability to be in a healthy and caring relationship.

So these are excellent beginnings to meaningful change: owning the problem, taking responsibility for your actions, acknowledging the impact of your hurtful words and actions, making a commitment to learning new ways of doing things, and being willing to show that things are different. I suspect that if you do begin this process of change, you will not only learn about what makes a healthy relationship with others but also what it is to have a healthy relationship with yourself. It’s a win-win situation.

Information and support will likely be an important part of changing. If you want to begin with some online research, here is a page that identifies the signs of a healthy relationship and ways to make positive changes in your relationship.

You can also begin with a one-on-one meeting with a counsellor to explore all of your options for making the changes you want to make. Once you set some goals for what you want to stop doing and what you want to be able to start doing instead, you can figure out together if reading material, workshops, individual counselling, and/or group support would be most helpful. You can drop by U216 or call 403 440-6362. We have drop-ins daily or you can make an appointment.

One point I want to add is that even if you make all of these changes your past relationship will likely require a healing process. Your past girlfriend has a right, of course, to decide if this is right for her. Sometimes, healing is not always possible for a couple. Sometimes, healing can happen as a couple but the couple still decides to split. Sometimes, healing has to be done by each person on their own. At minimum, I hope the work you do will help you to feel good about yourself and your ability to relate to the people you love now and in the future.

All the best,

Mirjam

Mirjam Knapik, Ph.D., R. Psych.

MRU Student Counselling Services